No Sex In The Champlain Room

Advice Column from the October issue of The Champlain Current

You toss the empty Trojan wrapper from your hand. Your headboard knocks against the wall—much louder than the Lil’ Wayne or Ratatat coming from your laptop on your desk. You have someone panting in your ear as your screams are ignited because of their pulling you hair and digging their nails into your back.
Then, there’s another scream, its low and in disgust. It’s not from your tiny dorm bed, but from your roommates. They rise from the bottom bunk howling, storm out of the room and slam the door behind them.
Don’t ever want to find yourself in this situation? Then don’t!
There are many ways to avoid hearing the passionate groans of people from across your small dorm room, or sadly, from the top bunk. Here are a few:

Solution 1: Scheduled Sleepovers
No joke, make a schedule. A literal calendar, color coded to show who gets the room what night. Follow it strictly, too. Don’t break any of the rules. If you know it’s not your night to get sexy in your room, don’t take your companion back with you. If you feel embarrassed when you have to tell someone you can’t go back to your room with them, whisper something cute in their ear. For example, “I wanna’ see where you wake up from your dreams.”

Solution 2: Mark your territory!
So, sometimes the…. urge, can’t be controlled. And, lucky you, your roommate happens to be out of the room when you and your sexy time friend get back to your dorm. Take a break from kissing their neck or throwing them up against a wall and hang a sock, hat, or bandana on the door. Even better—come up with some silly comment to leave on your white board or on a sticky note. For example, I would write “Giggity, Giggity!” However you chose, it’s important to let the person you live with know that you are getting your horizontal groove on before they walk into it.
Another way is to simply let them know that you need to room for a while. If you know you’re going to get saucy and want to get sassy when you go home, let your roommate know. Send a text saying, “I’m going to be knockin’ boots and I don’t want our boots to be walkin’ all over you.”

Solution 3: Cock block—yourself.
Face it; you can’t always get what you want. Regardless if you plan who gets the room for the night, circumstances can always change. You might leave a party with a new lady or man friend and think you are going to get down and dirty. You can’t wait to get into your dorm, out of your clothes, and into the sack. As you get ready to hit the hay, you are faced with the urge to hit your roommate. They are sitting at their desk playing a game on the computer or in bed watching a movie. The three of you just stand there in silence. You have the idea that you can just hop into bed and say, “Screw you, man!” But, you can’t. You’ve been “cock blocked” by your roommate, but in the end, you need to “cock block” yourself. It is going to be difficult but you are going to have to tell your condom-using companion that it just isn’t going to happen. You probably have been whispering sexy silliness in their ear, so let them down easy. You can be honest, and lay down the situation to them. Or, you can make up something about how you don’t have the appropriate romancing equipment like candles or not enough Marvin Gaye on your computer. You might be embarrassed and find yourself lying. Be careful, if you tell them that your roommate has H1N1, you may never see them again.

I hope you have found some good advice in my column in the first two issues of The Current. If anything, I hope you have found some comic relief. I wrote the first two columns by thinking of issues we all run into, but feel free to send me an e-mail if you have a question. I will do my best to give you the best answer. If you want an immediate answer, let me know. I would like nothing more than to actually help you out. Whether you want some advice on where to go for help in school, what to do because of a health issue, or something that has happened between you and your friends. I myself have dealt with some interesting situations while being in College, and I would love to share them with you. I managed to make some sense out of my experiences, let me help you. Send me an e-mail at Emma.Devine@Mymail.Champlain.Edu